The Will To Live

Gratitude for simply existing is easy, but what about gratitude for truly living – for summoning the courage to embrace each moment with determination and passion? This question echoed through my mind as I found myself navigating the tumultuous waters of the past five months in Mexico, a period marked by heartache, self-discovery, and ultimately, resilience.

My journey began against the backdrop of a turbulent summer, where the remnants of a strained long-term relationship clung to me like a heavy weight. There was so much hurt I felt like couldn’t forget.  One step forward and ten steps back it seemed.  Arriving in Mexico, I made a decision – to confront my fears head-on and reclaim my sense of self. 

But as I stood on the threshold of a new beginning, I made a choice – to embrace the present moment with courage and conviction. To leave the past in the past and focus on cultivating new, fresh relationship.  I believed it would be well received by my partner, like a fresh start.  It truly was a leap of faith, a daring act of defiance against my mind that sought to hold me back.

In sharing this in a moment of surrender, I discovered a newfound freedom – a liberation of spirit that breathed life into my weary soul. For the first time in what felt like an eternity, I felt truly alive – vibrant, flirty, in my heart, and unapologetically myself.

But just as I began to find my footing, the ground beneath me shifted once again. In a single moment, my world was turned upside down, as my partner made a decision that shattered the fragile peace I opened to. The pain was searing, it was a paradox of both confusion and grief…and ultimately acceptance that it was the end.

As accepting as I wanted to be, I also broke into a million pieces.  It felt like my emotional body shattered in the moment of his outpouring of frustration and finite decision.

I felt I had poured everything into my relationship to keep it together long enough that healing could happen and we could reach that next phase after the classic ‘relationship triggering shake-up’.  Perhaps pouring too much.  I felt like a complete failure.  Used up and flicked off like a dead mosquito on your arm after you smack it. 

The next couple of months proved to be an emotional rollercoaster for me – wanting to be supportive and accepting, but my nervous system was a disaster.  I felt fragmented and many times not in my body.  Sure, I had tools available to me, but it was so emotionally overwhelming at times I would find myself sobbing while making dinner, sitting in the car, working out, curled up on the bathroom floor.  It was a lot.  Anger and acceptance, anger and acceptance.

One day I spiralled.  Things were getting increasingly tense and I was still praying for it to not be happening.  I could feel the broken energy of my heart chakra in every moment of every day.  I felt so unwanted in so many areas of my life I questioned my actual existence.  I got to the point this one day that I truly felt that I didn’t want to be here anymore.  It scared me, but it was real.  I felt like I was just done existing and I didn’t know what to do about it.

My partner arrived home and I needed support more than anything.  In that moment, I just needed someone to say it was ok.  That I was ok.  I felt completely fragile.  I made an error in seeking support from him as opposed to reaching out to a friend.  I hadn’t told anyone yet what had been going on and the intensity of the situation had me holding back from ‘bothering’ anyone with this level of intensity, I feared judgement of my situation.  Everybody is going through their own life, I felt like nobody could hold the space for me that I needed.  In looking back it felt like the absolute worst day of my entire life.  Truly.

In realizing my error, I did later reach out to a friend for help.  In that reaching out, someone responded in an astounding way.  They held me.  They heard me.  I felt seen.  I took a breath.

From that day, I started clawing my way back to myself.  Digging myself out of a self-inflicted landslide within that buried me in darkness. The digging myself out was more accurately digging myself inward.  Pushing the past behind me edging closer toward my true self.  To my center line within.  The line that connects me to the Earth and to Source.  Pure now energy.

Even with this, I had received many messages that I didn’t listen to, including two broken mirrors on my car – both the driver’s side and the rear-view mirror.  When these happened, all I heard was: ‘Don’t look back’.  There were many ways for me to interpret this, but essentially for me in this moment, it’s be here now.  That’s everything.

Through this process I am learning not to be grateful for life, but to have the courage to activate my inner will to live.  To live fiercely and lovingly.  I feel like most people die at an early age and never develop the will to actually live.

Something that has helped me immensely in my own healing is moving my body (dance), activating under the sun every morning, journaling, daily hypnosis, meditation, and music.  There are so many ways. 

There truly is so much support if we have the will to live.  So to anyone who finds themselves standing on the precipice of uncertainty, I offer these words of encouragement – have faith in yourself, and trust in the resilience of your spirit. For it is in the darkest of moments that our true strength is revealed, and it is in the act of living that we find our greatest triumphs.

If you want to connect to your heart and with the spirit within, here is an album I’ve been loving lately.  Get out there and live.